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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26805655">All I Want</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TowardTheStars/pseuds/TowardTheStars'>TowardTheStars</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>October [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Handcuffs, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Overcoming Trauma, POV Sirius Black, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Restraints, Sirius Wants to be Brave, Smut, Snirius Discord's StarPrince Kinktober 2020, Therapy, Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 12:00:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,936</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26805655</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TowardTheStars/pseuds/TowardTheStars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You want me to do what?” Severus asks. </p><p>Sirius gives a light-hearted shrug. “Tie me up,” he repeats. He tries to impart a levity to the request that he hopes disguise his nerves. </p><p>Severus doesn’t respond for a long moment, just watches him closely. “Is that what you want?”</p><p>Sirius grins and nods. No, no, no the back of his mind shrieks. His wrists still ache from his chains. He feels an innate, primal fear at being forced back into that position of powerlessness.</p><p>He wrenches it aside. "Yes, baby," is all he says.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black &amp; Harry Potter, Sirius Black &amp; Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Severus Snape</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>October [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954954</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>80</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>StarPrince Kinktober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All I Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Day 3: Restraints</p><p>For the Snirius's Kinktober prompts.</p><p>The title is from Kodaline's All I Want.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><sub></sub>Sirius asks him, but it’s a frightened question.</p><p>A frightened question for a frightened man, but he’s so sick of his fear. He wants to rip it out of himself. He wants to prove that he could survive the worst of Azkaban.</p><p>Of course, that would be a lie. Azkaban ruined him, and even though he stares at Severus with a cocky, assured smile, it’s an act that Sirius knows Severus sees through.</p><p>That’s why he fell in love with him in the first place. Remus and Harry and the others didn’t want to believe that Sirius Black was an ugly, destroyed man. That all his imposed beauty and splendor and arrogance had been ripped away to reveal a cruel, vicious nature that preyed on the weak.</p><p>No one saw except Severus, who, Sirius suspected, always knew. From the moment they met on the Hogwarts Express, Severus had understood his nature and rightfully hated it.</p><p>Now, thirty years later, that hate had miraculously turned to love.</p><p>“You want me to do what?” Severus asks, fingers curling around his glass.</p><p>Sirius gives a light-hearted shrug. “Tie me up,” he repeats. He tries to impart a levity to the request that he hopes disguise his nerves. To prove his point of complete ease, he holds his hands out at the wrists. “Lock me up, baby.”</p><p>Severus doesn’t respond for a long moment, just watches him closely. “Is that what you want?”</p><p>Sirius grins and nods. <em>No, no,</em> <em>no </em>the back of his mind shrieks. His wrists still ache from his chains. He feels an innate, primal fear at being forced back into that position of powerlessness.</p><p>He wrenches it aside.</p><p>“Yes, baby. If that’s alright,” Sirius adds, concern flitting across his face as he considers Severus’s preferences.</p><p>Severus gives a slow nod. “I don’t mind,” he says carefully as if considering the intent behind the request. “But you- are you sure?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah,” Sirius grins, despite the seizure of terror in his chest. “Oh yeah, baby. That’s exactly what I want.”</p><p>xxxxx</p><p>It’s a mistake, but Sirius doesn’t know how to stop it.</p><p>He’s naked, hands pulled above him, and locked to the bedframe. Soft fur line the cuffs, so they don’t aggravate his wrists. He has nearly no give.</p><p>His legs are free, and he’s aroused, but it’s mingled with his fear so that it no longer feels good.</p><p>Severus is also naked: the sharp lines of his body and a dark smattering of hair across his chest. His erection pokes into Sirius’s leg, and he’s currently fixed on Sirius’s navel, kissing sloppily. He’s a good lover, dedicated and sure. Sirius has always felt good in bed with him.</p><p>Except now.</p><p>He knows he’s doing this to prove something to himself. That he could overcome Azkaban in the safety of his bed with his lover. That, maybe, if he sees that being tied up also leads to pleasure, he’ll stop being so afraid of the cold and confinement and loud noises and silence.</p><p>It’s a first step, but it’s <em>wrong.</em> He’s panting, but he’s hoping Severus will just think it’s due to pleasure. He pulls at the cuffs, and the restraint floods his mouth with the steely bite of fear. He squeezes his eyes shut – maybe that will help – but it’s another mistake because now he’s back <em>there.</em></p><p>He can hardly tell what’s happening until he feels someone unlock the cuffs and lower his shaking hands to his stomach. Then he’s pulled up against someone’s chest, leaning back as Severus wraps his arms around him.</p><p>“Hey, shh, shh,” Severus comforts in his deep voice. “It’s alright, shh. You’re not there, Sirius. You’re out.”</p><p>Sirius can feel wetness on his cheeks. He shrivels with shame.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he gasps out. Severus kisses the back of his ear. “I am.”</p><p>“Shh, there’s nothing to be sorry for.”</p><p>“There is,” he blubbers, humiliated at his weakness. “I don’t – I overreacted, I don’t know-.”</p><p>“Sirius,” Severus interrupts, the name firm. Sirius stops. “There’s nothing to be sorry for.”</p><p>“But-,” Sirius continues to protest, now frustrated at himself. It was just some kinky handcuffs! Suburban housewives do worse than that!</p><p>Severus stops him again by starting to kiss him on the back of his neck. “Sirius,” he says quietly. “There’s no shame in realizing something doesn’t work for you.”</p><p>“But-,” Sirius struggles. “I don’t- I <em>want</em> it to work for me.”</p><p>Severus stills, and Sirius can tell he’s thinking hard. He wouldn’t be surprised if Severus figures it out; if anyone understands trauma, it’s him.</p><p>“Did you think-,” he begins. He pauses. “Sirius,” he exhales, tightening his arms in a reassuring gesture around Sirius’s chest. “My love.”</p><p>Sirius bites back a bitter sob and grips at Severus’s arms. “I thought -.” There’s a catch in his voice, and he inhales heavily, all his assuredness from before stripped away. He’s a tired, old man, and he knows Severus must pity him. They all do, even if they pretend otherwise.</p><p>Severus shushes him again, and Sirius stills. He doesn’t want to shut his eyes again in case his mind tricks into thinking he’s back in his cell. He doesn’t want to stare at their legs or the sheets of the bed. His inability to escape grates on him – how the hell is he supposed to get away?</p><p>“Sirius, this isn’t the way,” Severus mummers into the crook of his neck. Sirius unconsciously tightens his grip on Severus’s arms.</p><p>He doesn’t respond, doesn’t say that there is no other way he can think of. That if he can’t prove to himself that he’s capable of overcoming his fears, then he might not as well be here at all.</p><p>“Markley-.” At the name of his therapist, Sirius freezes. He doesn’t want to have this conversation anymore.</p><p>“He’s fine,” he forces out.</p><p>Severus always knows when he’s lying. “What is it, puppy?”</p><p>Sirius melts at the pet name; he always does. Severus so sparingly uses terms of affection that the ones he does say carry additional weight.</p><p>“It’s not doing anything. I’m still-. And I’m sick with talking about my parents.”</p><p>“Then we’ll find someone else,” Severus whispers. “And it’ll…it’ll take time, Sirius. You know that.”</p><p>Sirius sighs wearily. “I know. But it’s still - you know,” he finishes lamely, but Severus does know. Besides, he doesn’t feel like vocalizing all his doubts and fears. “I’m still – I love you.”</p><p>Severus kisses his shoulder. “I love you too, puppy.”</p><p>Sirius melts.</p><p>xxxxx</p><p>It’s about two months later when Sirius brings it up again. Until then, the failed attempt at restraints had been brushed aside and left to fester in Sirius’s gut. He’s horribly ashamed by his response to it; his over-reaction appeared even more egregious in the light of day. Worse than that, it’s mingled with a sense of guilt over forcing Severus into that position.</p><p>They do, though, find him a new therapist. Her name is Kaye, and she’s a half-blood. When he asked her if he should start talking about his bitch of a mother, she laughed and said no. They’re not here to relive trauma, she says. They’re here to live past it.</p><p>Sirius likes her. Markley was old and stuffy, but Kaye is young. She gives him the option to go on walks and talk to her in the small garden instead of sitting on the couch. Sirius appreciates that more than he can express; he has a hard time being inside for too long.</p><p>She also never asks him to vividly describe the trauma and tension in his life. Markley had him do so with the intention that talking about it now will make it less traumatizing. Kaye rarely wants him to describe his trauma at all; she’s passionate about coping mechanisms and cognitive behavioral therapy that Muggle psychologists have pioneered. It’s all very abstract to Sirius, but he starts to understand what she means when she encourages him to identify patterns of thought that lead him to bad places and then to figure out ways to subvert those habits.</p><p>He struggles at first, the patterns of negative thought deeply entrenched and difficult to uproot. He has to spend a lot of time reflecting on himself, which he does on his long runs through the surrounding countryside. He tries to think about how he thinks; the guilt and fear and the barbed wire of anxiety that underpins his thoughts and skews his understanding.</p><p>Kaye stressed that it wouldn’t be easy and would take time but that Sirius is far stronger than he thinks he is and can do it.</p><p>That’s his favorite part about Kaye’s style of therapy. She never admits that Sirius is far too fucked up for help. Markley always vaguely implied that: the sounds he made in his back of his throat while Sirius described his childhood or imprisonment. Kaye actually leans too far the other way: Sirius Black is someone brave and strong and capable of overcoming his trauma.</p><p>Sirius wants to tell her she’s wrong and deluding herself into envisioning a man that doesn’t exist. He doesn’t, however, because there’s something in her eyes when she says that about him that makes his breath catch in the back of his throat. He wants to be the man she speaks of – not fearless, but <em>brave</em>.</p><p>That’s why he asks Severus again.</p><p>“Babe,” he says, walking into the sitting room. Severus glances at him overtop a newspaper. He’s got his hair pulled back into a loose ponytail, and he’s wearing a pair of Sirius’s sweats. He’s so attractive that Sirius nearly forgets what he wants to ask.</p><p>“Yes?” Severus says, arching an eyebrow. Sirius lingers by the door awkwardly. Kaye said it’s alright to be nervous; that’s his body just reacting how it thinks it should. Just because he <em>feels </em>nervous, though, doesn’t mean he <em>is.</em></p><p>“Can I ask you something?”</p><p>“Hmm?” Severus says, folding the newspaper and setting it aside. “What is it?”</p><p>Sirius takes a deep breath, summons his courage, and asks. “Would you think…would you want to do that again?”</p><p>Albeit, he could have phrased it better.</p><p>“Sirius?” Severus asks, sounding confused and slightly concerned. Sirius stares at a spot on the floor. He’s scared, but it’s alright. That’s just what he feels, and his feelings are bullshit.</p><p>“Tie me up,” he grounds out, the cocky arrogance from his first request long forgotten. Severus greets his request with silence and then gestures for Sirius to sit. Sirius does, staring at his knees. Severus sits up more and watches Sirius for a moment. “I understand if you don’t,” Sirius begins frantically. “It’s alright, just thought I would-.”</p><p>“I will,” Severus interrupts firmly. “I’ll do that with you, Sirius, but we need to talk about it first.”</p><p>Sirius turns his head to look at him. “Talk about it?”</p><p>Severus nods and presses his lips together. “Yes.” He pauses, runs a hand down his thigh. “I read about it after…last time.”</p><p>“About what?”</p><p>“I believe the term is kink negotiation.”</p><p>Severus drops the phase in such a way that Sirius has to do a double-take to make sure he heard correctly. Even still, it catches him out of left field.</p><p>“I’m sorry?” he says surprised. Severus’s lips twitch downwards, and he taps his fingers against his knee.</p><p>“Kink negotiation. It’s commonly employed in BDSM to ensure both partners are fully comfortable with the situation,” Severus explains like Sirius is a particularly dull student.</p><p>“Oh,” Sirius responds, “Oh, but we don’t-.”</p><p>“Don’t what?”</p><p>“Don’t need that.”</p><p>“Hmm?” Severus questions. He’s not acting confrontational even though he has his lips pressed tightly together in either irritation or discomfort. Sirius can’t fully tell.</p><p>“Well,” Sirius says, crossing his leg over his knee and tapping it in the air. “We know what works, right? With each other? And we can tell…we can tell when it’s not going right.”</p><p>“Can we?” Severus poses tightly. Sirius bites his lip and nods.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Could I tell when I handcuffed you last time?”</p><p>“Well, you stopped it,” Sirius counters defensively.</p><p>Severus brings his hands together and presses his fingertips to each other.  He’s fully frowning now, the lines of his face growing harsher. “No, I couldn’t Sirius. I could only tell when you were yanking at the handcuffs and crying out in fear. Alright? We should <em>never</em> get to that point.”</p><p>“But-,” Sirius begins lamely, but he knows Severus is right. He had wished for Severus to stop much earlier on. He had only kept on pretending because he didn’t know what else to do. “Well, then what are we supposed to do?”</p><p>Severus steeples his hands and sighs. “We discuss it beforehand. We establish a safe word so either of us can stop it when it becomes too much. And we discuss what we want from it and what we don’t. That’s my sense of it, at least.”</p><p>Sirius nods awkwardly. “Alright, well then I want you to tie my hands up. Like that?”</p><p>Severus’s mouth becomes a harsh line. “How?”</p><p>“How?” Sirius asks confused.</p><p>“Yes. Do you want me to do so with rope? Silk? Handcuffs? Something else?”</p><p>“All sound good,” Sirius jokes, but Severus doesn’t look amused. Sirius sobers and thinks. “They used manacles. In Azkaban,” he says, remembering the heavy chains. “They left them on for…for a long time,” he says faintly, swallowing hard at the memory of the freezing metal against his wrists. He shakes himself out of it – he doesn’t want to scare Severus out of this. “But we could do handcuffs? I think I would like that.”</p><p>Severus nods. “Okay,” he says slowly. “Handcuffs. To the bedframe? Above your head? Or?”</p><p>“To the bedframe.”</p><p> What else do you want?”</p><p>Sirius shifts uncomfortably. It’s bizarre to talk about this outside of the bedroom, but he understands Severus’s intent. He’s touched by the care Severus is handling this with. He suspects this is what a healthy couple does. Not a fucked up ex-con and a bitter ex-spy.</p><p>“Umm,” Sirius falters, temporarily blanking on everything that happens between them in bed. “Umm, I guess, anal, right?”</p><p>“Is that what-?”</p><p>“Is that what <em>you </em>want?” Sirius cuts back in frustration.</p><p>Severus, fortunately, doesn’t take it as an offense. Like Sirius, he has changed. Unlike Sirius, Sirius thinks he has changed for the better. “Yes, I would. Do you want me to talk dirty to you? To humiliate?”</p><p>Sirius feels a wrench of fear in his gut. “No,” he says quickly. “Can you just call me puppy or something like that? Keep it…keep it nice?”</p><p>“So no humiliation,” Severus states. “And be…be affectionate.”</p><p>Sirius nods. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’m…” he pauses, trying to think of how to express himself. “I’m not trying to get off on this.”</p><p>Severus tilts his head and waits for him to continue.</p><p>“I want to have sex with you,” Sirius corrects because it didn’t come out completely right. “But I’m not…I don’t want to be fucked here.”</p><p>Severus considers his words and nods. “I understand. This is not that.”</p><p>“No,” Sirius whispers as his love for his man swells inside of him. No one else could understand. Not like this.</p><p>Severus hums. “And the safe word?”</p><p>Sirius sighs and thinks. He’s never established a safe word before, so he tries to think of something he won’t forget. “I mean…we could do red? As in stop?”</p><p>Severus nods. “Red. We’ll stop the instant either one of uses it, yes?”</p><p>Sirius tries to agree, but his doubt flickers across his face. Severus notices, and his gaze sharpens. “What?”</p><p>Sirius huffs out a wheezy laugh. “I mean if you’re balls deep in me-.”</p><p>“I’ll stop.”</p><p>“But-.”</p><p>“I’ll stop,” Severus stresses. “There is no pleasure for me if you’re not enjoying it. And I think you forget how much I control I have over myself.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Sirius challenges, shifting towards his man.</p><p>Severus arches an eyebrow and leans forward. “Yes, Sirius,” he whispers in his low, dark voice. “Would you like to test it?”</p><p>“Mhmm,” Sirius nods, shifting closer so that their knees knock. “I would, baby.” He hears Severus’s breath catch, and then his hands are in Sirius’s hair and they’re kissing.</p><p>Sirius loves him, and he wants him to know it. He’s about to slip down onto his knees when a knock on the door interrupts them. They try to scuttle back to their spots as if they had been sitting together for a casual cup of tea, but they move too slowly.</p><p>Harry’s red-flushed face proves it. “Oh, um, sorry,” he says quickly. “I can come back? Or um-.”</p><p>Sirius smiles guilty and shakes his head. “No, no, it’s good, Harry. We, shit, we’re supposed to go visit Remus and Tonks, aren’t we?”</p><p>Harry nods, smiling tightly at Severus before turning back to Sirius. “Yeah, I-yes.”</p><p>Sirius smiles and pushes himself up. Before he leaves, he turns back to Severus and leans down to kiss him. “I love you,” he murmurs against his lips. Severus huffs out in return, and Sirius smiles as he pulls away.</p><p>“C’mon Harry,” he says to a reddened Harry who had gracefully averted his gaze. He slings his arm around the kid, and they leave.</p><p>For some reason, he feels strangely lighter than he had in a long time. He can’t help but feel that this proves something about their relationship that they needed to prove.</p><p>He’s going to have to tell Kaye, he thinks. She’ll be so proud.</p><p>xxxxx</p><p>He finds Severus in the kitchen after returning from Remus’s. He stands in the doorway and watches his lover for a long moment.</p><p>Severus notices and arches his eyebrow in exasperated amusement. “What?”</p><p>“Just wondering how I got so lucky,” Sirius flirts, causing Severus to stare at him drily.</p><p>“How was the wolf?” Severus asks, opening a container. He pulls out a chocolate chip cookie and bites into it almost glumly as he awaits an answer. Sirius knows he only asks out of courtesy; Severus, regardless of how he may pretend, does not want to hear Sirius rehash his afternoon with Remus and Harry.</p><p>“Good,” Sirius replies, “Everyone’s good. Remus said to thank you again for the Wolfsbane.”</p><p>Severus lifts one shoulder in acknowledgment and finishes the cookie. He wipes the crumbs from his lips and then leaves his fingers there, crossing one arm as he regards Sirius. Sirius can’t help himself; he swallows hard.</p><p>“Do you-,” Sirius hesitates, but Severus is looking at him the way he does before they both end up naked and in bed. He thinks -.</p><p>“Upstairs, Black,” Severus orders. Sirius nods far too quickly and turns to leave. “Wait,” Severus calls out after him. Sirius turns back to him, and Severus gestures to the cookie tin. “You’re supposed to eat and be hydrated. Before we…” His voice feels like velvet, and Sirius’s yearning to touch him.</p><p>“Oh, um, yes,” Sirius says, taking the proffered cookie. He eats it quickly, Severus watching approvingly. Severus then fills up two glasses of water and levitates them behind him. He leans forward and cradles Sirius’s head in his hands as he kisses him deeply and slowly.</p><p>“Good, puppy?” he whispers into the sharp line of Sirius’s jaw. Sirius inhales sharply and pulls at Severus to lead them upstairs.</p><p>They touch the entire way, and Sirius’s going to go mad if he can’t get Severus’s clothes off.</p><p>In their bedroom, Sirius breaks from the kiss and strips quickly. He throws himself onto the bed, watching eagerly as Severus neatly unbuttons his shirt and places his pants folded on the chair. Sirius grows hard watching him, and Severus notices with a quirk of his lips.</p><p>He’s also aroused, and Sirius watches hungry and burning as Severus climbs onto the bed and on top of him. They lay chest to chest as they kiss, Severus stroking Sirius’s hair and pulling his head closer. Sirius reaches his hands down to grab at Severus’s ass and earns a sharp bite when he squeezes.</p><p>They luxuriate in each other for a long moment, before Severus lifts his head and stares down at him. His eyes are impossibly dark and heated. They search deep into Sirius’s.</p><p>“Do you want to?” he asks, gentle in its impassiveness. There’s no demand or expectation; Sirius can make this choice for himself, and whatever he chooses will be the correct one.</p><p>Sirius considers his options, thinks, and – but no, he does want this. He wants to try, at the very least. He wants to know if this is something that he can overcome or if it will continue to haunt him for the rest of his life.</p><p>“Yes,” he whispers into the space between them. “I do.”</p><p>Severus responds with a kiss. He gives Sirius another moment to rethink his choice as he kisses the man, but Sirius is committed. He only hopes it won’t end like before.</p><p>Severus reaches down to grab at Sirius’s elbow and pull his arm upwards. Sirius complies, and Severus intertwines their fingers. He guides his hand upwards so that it rests above Sirius’s head and next to the headboard. He repeats the action with the other hand, pinning Sirius’s wrists underneath his hand. Sirius’s breath catches; regardless of his fear of restraint, there exists something undeniably arousing about being held down.</p><p>He even tests the hold, pushing his hands upward. Severus’s grip doesn’t budge, and he moans.</p><p>“Sirius,” Severus exhales heavily, “I’m going to handcuff you to the bed now.”</p><p>Sirius pants and nods.</p><p>“Use your words, puppy.”</p><p>“Yes, baby. I want that.”</p><p>Severus does as he says, and Sirius can feel the fur-lined cuff click around his wrists. Severus has left his hands positioned so that they won’t pull sharply at his shoulders. It’s a small consideration but deeply meaningful to Sirius.</p><p>With the handcuffs around his wrists, Sirius once again revisits his nightmares. Countless demons had filled Azkaban, but none quite as intimate as the manacles they left on him for years. They had pulled at his shoulders and rubbed his wrists raw and let the guards position him in ways that they would leave him in for hours as his body screamed. Only after eight years, did the warden deem the manacles no longer necessary. By then, they thought they had broken Sirius.</p><p>And now, years later, Sirius reminds himself that he is safe and with his lover and that Azkaban hadn’t broken him as they thought it had.</p><p>He notices that his breath has quickened out of the instinctual fear. He takes a few deep breaths to steady himself. Severus had waited, remaining pressed against him but not initiating anything more.</p><p>“Puppy, does that feel okay?”</p><p>“Yes,” Sirius exhales. “Yes. You can-.”</p><p>Severus takes the cue and begins to kiss Sirius again, moving along his jaw and neck and down to his collarbone. His hands stroke Sirius’s side, the touch electric.</p><p>Severus moves down lower, the crook of his nose pressing into the soft cavity of Sirius’s stomach as he kisses the soft skin. Sirius moans as Severus dips lower, and he jerks his hands, forgetting they are bound. He needs to bury his hands in Severus’s hair, he needs to use them to do <em>something</em>, but the cuffs do not yield.</p><p>Sirius thinks it’s quite possibly the hottest thing he’s ever felt – that sharp precipice between receiving pleasure and trying to return it. The restraints had turned him useless, however, so now he can only lie here and receive it. He lets out a strangled cry at the sharp, heady pang of frustration.</p><p>Severus pauses, to Sirius’s dislike. He stares up at him and meets his gaze. “You okay, puppy?” he asks gently. Sirius gasps and nods.</p><p>“Yes, baby, Oh god, get on with it.”</p><p>Severus hums against the bone of his hip and dips even further down, so that he’s pressing a stream of kisses along Sirius’s cock. Sirius cries out in anticipation and moans when Severus slips his cock into his mouth. He hums around it, and Sirius’s hips jerk upward, willing more.</p><p>He yanks at his hands again, but they remain firmly in place. Fear begins to bubble in his stomach, sour and insidious, but the pleasure mitigates it. He shuts his eyes and focuses on the sensation of Severus’s mouth around his cock. It’s good. He’s alright. He’s safe. Being chained up isn’t always a bad thing.</p><p>He repeats the mantra in his head as the pleasure builds and crests. He’s gasping out, moaning loudly, and trying to warn Severus, but then he comes, tripping over the precipice. He’s out for a moment, and when he can open his eyes again, he sees Severus sitting between his legs and wiping at his mouth. There’s a line of his cum that slipped out. Sirius stares transfixed and lust-ridden at the line of it on Severus’s cheek.</p><p>Severus rolls his eyes at Sirius’s dumb-fixed stare, but he still presses his fingers into his mouth and licks around them, miming pleasure. With his other hand, he strokes against Sirius’s cock and his inner thighs and down further to his hole.</p><p>Sirius cries out; he could likely come again just by watching Severus. He forgets yet again and yanks at his hands, wanting to touch his lover. His shoulders jolt at the movement, and something about that makes the room narrow and suddenly – oh he can’t do this, he can’t do this, he can’t be here, he can’t-.</p><p>He’s gasping out ‘red’. The handcuffs are gone. His arms are down by his chest. Severus lies beside him, and they’re not touching much anymore. Severus only has his hand petting at Sirius’s hair.</p><p>“Shh, puppy, my love, you’re safe. You’re here. No one will hurt you. I promise you. I love you so much, my wonderful man. I love you so much, you will never know. You’re so brave. You did so well.”</p><p>“I didn't,” Sirius chokes, disappointed and ashamed and distraught. He was supposed to have done <em>better</em>.</p><p>“No, pup. No, you did so well,” Severus presses, voice gentle yet insistent as he strokes Sirius’s forehead. “Oh, baby, you did so well.”</p><p>“But-.” Sirius should have done all of it; Severus didn’t even get off, for Merlin’s sake.</p><p>“What is it, puppy?”</p><p>Sirius lets out a huff of air that sounds more like a sob. “I was supposed to do better. Do all of it. I don’t want to be scared like this.”</p><p>Severus shushes him again and scoots closer. He presses a kiss on Sirius’s forehead. “No, no, oh my star. You did so well. And so brave. That required so much bravery – asking me and doing this. And you did it! You did, my love. And I know, maybe it wasn’t as far as you had wanted, but you must understand – for what you had to go through, I can’t express how proud I am of you for doing this.”</p><p>Sirius sniffles and curls up into Severus. “You think?” he asks faintly.</p><p>Severus nods and kisses him again. “Of, of course. And baby, we can do this again, alright? It doesn’t have to be today. But the fact that you did do this – puppy, I can’t tell you how proud of I am of you.”</p><p>Sirius cuddles up closer to Severus. The words help, and he convinces himself to believe in their veracity. Kaye had told him that even if he thinks it, people aren’t lying to him about this. Someone like Severus Snape least of all.</p><p>“It was kind of hot,” Sirius mumbles into the crook of Severus’s neck. Severus huffs out a shallow laugh.</p><p>“Oh, Sirius, you don’t even want to know how good you looked.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Sirius asks because he thinks he would.</p><p>Severus hums. “So hot. So perfect I thought I would come just by looking at you.”</p><p>Sirius smiles into Severus’s neck. “Oh,” he adds abruptly, “do you still need me to-?”</p><p>Severus kisses the top of his forehead. “No, it’s alright. I’m not – not anymore.”</p><p>“But-.”</p><p>“Suck me off tomorrow, will you pup?”</p><p>Sirius can’t help himself; he laughs. “Of course, babe. Anything else while we’re at it?”</p><p>Severus pretends to think for a moment, but then he relaxes and settles deeper into the bed. Sirius curls up beside him. “I love you, my – my everything.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Sirius whispers back, and despite his initial distress, he feels impossibly content.</p><p>He sinks into his lover’s embrace and listens to his heartbeat. He will fall asleep to its sound, but before he does, he focuses on the feeling glowing in the center of his chest.</p><p>Pride, he thinks. He’s proud of himself.</p><p>He’s a frightened, broken man, but he’s also brave and caring and has people who love him. He has a shredded soul and a withered heart, but he has the strength to dig himself out the grave Azkaban buried himself in and build himself a new life. A good life. One with Severus Snape in his arms and with Harry Potter and Remus Lupin and so much else he had thought lost to him.</p><p>He knows that now. He is strong and brave, and sure, it will take him several more tries before he can have Severus fully restrain him in bed, but he won’t give up. He’ll prove to himself what he can do, and he’ll prove, most of all, that he can be a better person, one who isn’t a ruined shell of his former self.</p><p>He’ll do all that, but right now, he’ll let himself feel proud and good in his lover’s arms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! </p><p>This will just be a one-shot, but I hope it is one that you liked. I think Sirius finally learns how to deal with his fear and trauma, and Severus loves him throughout it all. On a side note, the therapy I reference is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. It's pretty amazing stuff (I've studied it in Uni) so it's worth a google search if you're interested in learning more. The whole Freudian "talk about your childhood' approach feels somewhat antiquated now (and somewhat for the better). </p><p>Thank you, thank you!</p><p>xx</p></blockquote></div></div>
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